Senior Citizen[author unknown] I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and darn proud of it - I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8 p.m. I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin and antacid. I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. I'm very good at telling stories.....over - - -and over - - -and over. I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, Medicare, dental care. I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds or politicians. I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired. I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm wrinkled, saggy, and lumpy and that's just my left leg. I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......... I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies. I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less. I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors ... absolutely nothing! I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA'S and AARP. I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the key to it. I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel.?" Slim says, "I feel like a newborn baby." "Really? Like a newborn baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
Taken from The Growers Guide, page B7, December 2006:
Keeping Entertained In Retirement
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went down town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on, how about giving a retired person a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi"." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating peckerhead". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said: "Hillary in 2008."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I', retired. It's important to my health.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia .. Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour but, by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, ' For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and The eyesight to tell the difference.
Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
ReplyDeleteSenior Citizen [author unknown] I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and darn proud of it - I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8 p.m. I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin and antacid. I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. I'm very good at telling stories.....over - - -and over - - -and over. I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, Medicare, dental care. I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds or politicians. I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired. I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm wrinkled, saggy, and lumpy and that's just my left leg. I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......... I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies. I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less. I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors ... absolutely nothing! I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA'S and AARP. I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the key to it. I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life.
ReplyDeleteTwo elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel.?" Slim says, "I feel like a newborn baby." "Really? Like a newborn baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
ReplyDeleteTaken from The Growers Guide, page B7, December 2006:
ReplyDeleteKeeping Entertained In Retirement
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went down town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on, how about giving a retired person a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi"." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating peckerhead". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said: "Hillary in 2008."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I', retired. It's important to my health.
WHERE'S GRANDMA?
ReplyDeleteThe computer's swallowed Grandma,
Yes honestly, its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It's devoured her completely --
The thought just makes me squirm.
Maybe she's caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the internet
But nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative;
Not a thing was found online.
So, if inside your 'InBox'
My Grandma you should see
Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' her
In an e-mail back to me.
You Know You're Getting Old When...
ReplyDeleteEverything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
Is There Baseball In Heaven?
ReplyDeleteTwo old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's,
when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his
deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's
friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball
in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.
A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice.
The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is
that there's baseball in heaven."
"What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Wednesday."
From Ginny by e-mail 23 May 09:
ReplyDeleteJust before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour but,
by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!
From Leslie 15 Oct 2009:
ReplyDeleteGreat Truths About Growing Old
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.